Friday, January 19, 2007

You know you're a triathlete when...

1) You'd much rather ride five hours to your destination than drive there in 1.5, simply because the ride goes so much quicker.
2) You think "screw the latest Ferrari". Isn't the sexiest piece of hardware on the planet the Cervelo P3/your dream bike?
3) Annual energy expenditure is comparable to that output by a small electricity generation plant.
4) If single, your idea of the perfect girl/guy is someone who will lend you their disc wheel when they're not racing.
5) The local bike shop owner smiles when you walk in the door. No, he isn’t glad to see you, he's thinking that this may well be the day your yearly expenditure in the shop tops the US GDP.
6) Your bike is worth more than your car. And it goes faster too. You don't own a bike rack. Why? Because your bike rides inside the car with you, not where stones, the rain and cold can get to her, that's why! Side note: it is quite reasonable to deny someone/their luggage a lift based on the internal presence of your bike.
7) You sub-consciously slip at least three abbreviations into every sentence, causing non tri-geeks eyes to wonder how you became fluent in Swahili. Example: "yeah, I had a good run, did some striding at AeT + 10, but nearly snuck up to LT, cause I felt I was in Z2".
8) Some of the best conversations you have are during long runs and rides. Mainly when you're going solo.
9) The initial stages of psychosis start to appear as commitments overrun, thereby eating into your training time.
10) You're on a first-name basis with your bike. Usually a sexy name like Kate, Britney etc. Quirky older names can often be used, e.g. Doris, Gladys, Benji or animal descriptions, e.g. steed, mount etc.
11) Any run less than 25km is usually preceded by "I'm just off for a run around the block"
12) Your workmates have given up asking "what are you up to this weekend?” knowing that the reply will be identical to the past 40, i.e. "training". The only variation is "racing".
13) You preach to your friends Gordo's training principles, when all they're really concerned with is running off the extra lunch they had.
14) You grow to love running in your Speedos
15) You're wife complains about you borrowing her razor to shave your legs
16) You take most of your showers either at work or at the pool and you keep extra soap, deodorant there.
17) You are sick to your stomach at 2:00 in the morning and check the back of the Pepto Bismol bottle for caloric content and grams of carbohydrates, fat and protein.
18) You have plenty of water bottles, safety pins, and t-shirts.
19) You have trouble keeping lunch under 2000 calories.
20) You usually wake up at 4:00 in the morning but do not get to work until way after 9:00.
21) You're always wet! Either sweat water, pool water, sea water, shower water, bath water or its p*****g down outside!
22) Your bed-time reading on your night stand consists of a pile of: DeSoto catalogs; InsideTri; Triathlete, VeloNews, USMA Swim, etc.
23) You haven't bought work clothes in two years, yet you own bike shorts made by every manufacturer under the sun and can recite the merits of CoolMax, Supplex, etc. in your sleep!
24) Your car has at least one Power Bar wrapper and two sets of work out clothes!
25) You know You could make a killing at Jeopardy if only the categories were: - Past winners of Hawaii Ironman - Legs shaving techniques - 40-30-30 diet - Aerodynamics racing wheels - Gastrointestinal problems and long runs - How to justify a 4000$ bike
26) Your laundry continually smells like someone locked the cat in overnight...
27) You leave your apartment or house in the morning with your swim bag on one arm, bike on one shoulder, a change of clothes in another bag, and your running stuff in another bag in case
28) You wave at other cyclists, because all triathletes are friendly and if they are not, they are probably purist cyclists trying to get into triathlons and they do not know that triathletes are friendly.
29) You can't decide what t-shirt to wear to your next race.
30) You no longer take vacations but weekend triathlon junkets.
31) You have far more pairs of shoes in your closet than your non-tri wife does in hers
32) The one "suit" you own has a QR on the chest.
33) You think about having sex, but you don't want it to affect your morning run splits. (Or if You do, you wear a heart rate monitor and measure your recovery time afterwards)
34) Your living room has the "swim pile" and the "bike pile" and the "run pile" and the "weight room pile" and you pick and choose kind of like a cafeteria on your way out the door.
35) Your kitchen cupboards are organized into "protein", "carbs" and "etc"
36) You bring bottled water to a party so that you're properly hydrated for the next morning's long run.
37) Everyone else at the party also brought their own bottled water because you don't have a social life outside of triathlon.
38) Oh yeah, and they all showed up by 7pm and left by 10pm.
39) Your company announces mandatory unpaid shutdown days - every other Friday throughout the summer - in order to cut costs and stay in business, and your response is "Great - now I can do two long workouts on the weekends and still have an easy day."
40) You have a separate dresser for all your race t-shirts.
41) Your 8 year old comes home with the school record for the mile and says, he took it out in a nice pace he could hold.....everyone else died.
42) You say that you went to a race last weekend...and somebody responds "running or biking" and you are again forced to explain....
43) Your co-workers catch you with a 'King Sized' meal deal from Burger King, and you can smile and tell them that you will have no problem working this off on the way home.
44) You started the day with a protein shake, had a scone and latte after swimming and commuting, then head out for coffee with the coworkers and have a bagel and cream cheese.
45) You wear your bathing suit under your work clothes to make a fast transition from work to swim on your lunch hour.
46) Your spouse wants dinner out and a movie, so you agree, but fall asleep during the previews and catch hell.
47) Mowing the lawn really smarts after being aero all morning.
48) You've spent more on bikes in the last 10 years than you have on clothes for the past 50!
49) Your hair is never dry.
50) You forget that talking about daily LSD [Long Slow Distance] and speed weirds some people out.
51) You have no FRIGGIN idea what to do with yourself on your off day. Damnit, I mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, washed the car, and there's STILL 4 hours of daylight left! Aarrgghh!
52) You feel like you took the day off because all you did was swim 3000 yards.
53) You have received strange looks from coworkers who overheard you talking about fartleks.
54) You use the words "only" and "10k" in the same sentence.
55) You can easily justify spending $1000 on race wheels because hey, you may use them for 10 hours each year, that's reasonable right?
56) You have a spandex outfit that matches your bike which also matches your wheelset.
57) Lake Placid, Panama City and Coeur d’Alene aren't cities, they are races.
58) A fall marathon is "a fun way to close the season."
59) You tell the local running club you are a little slow because you did a long bike ride the day before.
a. You tell the local cycling club you are a little slow because you did a track workout the day before.
b. You tell your Master's Swim team that you are a little slow because you haven't spent much time working on your stroke lately as you have been focusing on your biking and running, plus open water is your specialty, you have never liked doing mindless laps in the pool.
c. You hope that these 3 groups shall never meet...
60) If IM no longer refers to instant message but a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and 26.2 mile run.
61) you own your car, but are making payments on your bike.
62) You have more swim caps and goggles than the local Speedo shop.
63) Your tan lines never go away
64) You bring your bike on vacation everywhere you go (including Thanksgiving and Christmas)
65) You'd rather someone steal your car than your bike
66) You have no calendars in your home or office, but plenty of training schedules
67) You throw a party and all of the food has a nutritional breakdown next to it
68) Your idea of a great writer might be Chris Carmichael, Gale Bernhardt, Joe Friel, Jim Mora, Sally Jenkins...
69) You have more Spinervals and CTS DVDs than any other
70) You unknowingly start stretching during client meetings
71) Your 2006 Corvette came with all of the options including a bike rack
72) Your "retired" running shoes are only four months old, and you have seven pairs
73) All of your undershirts are Coolmax
74) Your idea of the "Local Singles Scene" is on the W&OD Trail
75) Your legs are tanned only to mid-thigh.
76) The first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike?"
77) You get more phone calls at 5:00 AM than at 5:00 PM.
78) 6 AM is sleeping in.
79) You put more miles on your feet and bike than on your weekend rental car.
80) You don't need to paint your toenails; they're already different colors.
81) Your employer needs a photo - all you have is race pictures.
82) When you meet the opposite sex you see:
a. A possible training partner.
b. A possible search and rescue team.
c. A possible race director.
d. A possible source of race entry fees.
83) You call something that lasts more than an hour a "sprint" race


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! There really is something to be said about being a Tri-Athlete!

Deniel Hopkins said...

Great Post! great reading material!
keep tri-ing :)